The Book That Would Not Be Recorded

This is a strange one.

So, late last year, my incredible audiobook narrator, Jenn Johnson (you can find her link on my Collaborators page), finished recording the audio for all six of my Aphotic novels. By then, I'd released my two short story collections, UGLY STORIES ABOUT TERRIBLE PEOPLE DOING HORRIBLE THINGS, Volumes One and Two, and I was so happy with Jenn and her talented voice, I floated the idea of her maybe...? possibly...? doing the audiobooks for those as well.

She was completely open to it, but asked for a break until early in 2025, which was fair. She'd basically been going for quite a few months on six books, back to back to back to back to back to back...

So, in February, I reached out, and she said she was ready. I proposed one weird wrinkle this time around. In these two collections, after each short story, I appended a quick little author's note, offering up a bit of insight, a bit of history, or a bit of context, or just a bit of me rambling. Regardless, each story had a little bit of story notes from the author that I thought might sound a bit weird coming from Jenn. So, I asked if she'd mind if a rank amateur such as myself could intrude on her space and record the audio for the notes sections. She was very gracious and quickly agreed.

With her blessing, I reached out to Gary, an old workmate of mine from many years back. We both still lived in the same town, and ran into each other every so often, even though it'd been years since we'd worked together. He, under a different name, does a variety of sound work, from his own music, to production, to even creating hilarious songs that he posts on YouTube. In short, the guy knows his way around a microphone and sound mixing equipment and software. Plus, he's funny as hell, and has some fascinating, interesting stories.

So, then I reached out to him, we met, talked it over, and he agreed. Jenn provided the sound parameters required for the audio files, and we were in business.

I set everything up and set a target deadline for finishing for March 31st. I sent Jenn the files, set a date to record with Gary, and we were off to the races.

The next four weeks were filled with Jenn getting her files uploaded for me to listen to and offer minor changes or corrections to, as well as having Gary set up in my basement where we recorded my sonorous tones as I tripped and stumbled over my own words.

...there's a reason I don't do the audio narration for my own books, folks. That shit is work! It takes a lot of talent that I simply don't possess, but I'd dug this particular grave, so I was damned well gonna lie down in it. I gamely pressed on, with Gary making the entire process far easier than I expected, and far less traumatizing.

We got through it, and off he went with his magical laptop to turn my screechings into something palatable for human ears to withstand.

And, like Jenn's files, when Gary uploaded my recordings, I gamely listened to each of them as well, trying my best to keep my cringing to a minimum, and making quick notes about minor corrections or adjustments and sending them back to Gary.

Everything was humming along nicely...until this weekend. March 29th and 30th.

Ah, the last weekend in March. The final 72 hours before the deadline...

And the weekend where the poo hit the propeller. The waste hit the wind.

The shit hit the fan.

So, it kinda went down like this...

Stupid Thing, Number One:

On Saturday, Gary got the last of the files to me. I listened—and yes, I cringed—to them all and judged them to be perfect and ready for upload.

The first problem came when, as I was responding to Gary, I said, "Oh, by the way, you forgot to send me the file for the DONE story. I got all the rest but that one." He told me he didn't remember having a file for that one.

Turns out, TOBIN didn't print that one out, so TOBIN didn't record it. And the soonest Gary can come by is this Wednesday (tomorrow, as of this writing), April 2nd.

All this for three missing minutes of audio. Then, of course, he has to edit it.

So, now I'm thinking it'll be ready next weekend, which means I've literally pushed back the deadline almost a full week, to April 6...because I'm a bonehead.

...have I ever mentioned I'm a bonehead?

Actual image of Tobin recording audio for his book.

Murphy.

Murphy's Law.

Stupid Thing, Number Two:

I reached out to my narrator to apologize for blowing the deadline by a week. She messaged me back saying she was going to apologize because, for the first time ever, SHE wasn't going to meet the deadline. She was going to complete the last story on the weekend, but...

"I actually had a disastrous weekend that involved a broken toilet, flooding, bleeding, stitches (for my husband), and a LOT of cleaning of said mess over two days... and that's not even the entirety of it. It was a weekend, let me tell you."

There's a story in there, somewhere...

And, as they say on TV, "But WAIT! There's MORE!" Ten minutes after getting that email from Jenn, I get a message from Gary...

Stupid Thing, Number Three:

He might not be able to get to my place tomorrow...

Here's the thing... He lives in the middle of three row houses. There's no break in between them at all, and all the backyards are fenced. So, if you want to get some soil in your backyard, you're literally taking it through the front door, through the house, and out into the backyard. So...that's where he lives.

He told me that they had to pop their front door off the hinges to get a bed frame out the door to take away to the dump. After they got the frame out, he dutifully put the door back in the frame, and reconnected the hinges.

And now, the door's jammed. He says they literally cannot get the door open. He's even pulled the hinges back out, but he can't get the door popped out of the frame.

He says they've basically been trapped in their house for two full days. He's been trying to get hold of one of his neighbours, but they're in Italy. He has family, but they're an hour away.

If he doesn't get the problem solved by tonight, I'm probably going to go over with my son and son-in-law to see what we can do to break him and his wife out...

UPDATE: my son-in-law and I were called in last night, and we managed to unsardine Gary and crew from their can. He's free, the door has been rehung and it works fine now. And we were able to get the missing story note recorded.

Still, this book isn't completely recorded or posted yet. I still think it may be cursed.

...and somewhere, in the back of my mind, a story is brewing about The Book That Would Not Be Recorded.